Co-Parenting With a Gopher After Divorce
If you’ve been struggling with parenting difficulties since your divorce, you’re not alone. More than a few couples have trouble navigating the emerging experiences related to parenting from two separate homes. While both parents surely love their kids, inexperience, pain, resentment, and ego in the face of new challenges all factor into the success of a role that used to come pretty easily. Having one partner turn into what we call a “gopher parent” is not all that uncommon, despite the fact that it’s really not healthy or beneficial for anyone involved.
What’s a Gopher Parent?
A gopher parent is there one minute and gone the next, not unlike a gopher that pops its head up every so often and then disappears. Oftentimes the primary parent handles all of the parenting most of the time, only to have the gopher pop up and want to have all kinds of input when certain decisions are being made. It can be bewildering having to explain the gopher’s regular absences, not to mention having to share the authority during unexpected appearances. But there are ways to address the problem to keep everyone sane:
- As much as you can, keep the gopher informed about the kids’ activities, goals, health, and so forth.
- Stay composed and courteous. Badgering a gopher about shortcomings likely won’t get you anywhere because they already are very aware of their patterns. Instead, celebrate the good, adjust when possible, and do everything possible to strengthen the relationship with the kids.
- When you feel like you’re going to explode from the agitation, find somewhere out of earshot of the kids to vent. Then get yourself together and focus on your primary job: parenting with love and benevolence.
- If it’s really getting under your skin, think about going to counseling, either with your ex, or, depending on the ages of the kids, as a family, or even by yourself. Having a safe space to work out the pressures may be advantageous.
- Think about getting your ex-in-laws more involved in the kids’ lives. Often, grandparents wish they had more opportunities to play a role, and they could share their affection more frequently, benefitting the kids while also setting an example for the gopher.
- Learn to acknowledge that the gopher is a gopher instead of yearning for change all the time, and help the kids to accept the reality without badmouthing their other parent. It’s useful to understand that, although you might prefer a different situation, people come to problems from different angles, with distinct abilities, and with outrageously varied outcomes. You can’t control a gopher or anyone else — so make peace with that.
Divorce Attorneys You can Trust
The experienced Boca Raton divorce attorneys at WiseLieberman can help you to achieve our goals as they negotiate a divorce settlement that works for you. To discuss possibilities, schedule a confidential consultation in our Boca Raton office today.
