How to Avoid Kids Taking Sides in Divorce
Divorce is tough enough without having to deal with your own kids hating you for it. Sure, if you’re the parent they’ve chosen as the good guy, it feels pretty great–even validating. Although you may not say it out loud, you’re glad that you’re the favorite, and you believe you’ve earned that spot handily. But for the parent who is the decidedly villainous family member, it can be absolutely devastating. If you’re the favored parent, maybe that brings you a bit of pleasure. But you’re forgetting something important here. The kids! The divorce has impacted them, and they are dealing with upheaval, pain, and confusion. Their behaviors may reflect all of that and more. Now they’ve chosen sides, and that means they are not only losing out on an important relationship with one of their parents–they are also carrying a burden of support that is too much to ask of anyone, let alone a child.
A Healthy Message
As much as you may enjoy the elevated role of favored parent, recognizing the impacts it could have on your kids is important. Do you really want them to carry the weight of despising someone and all that it entails? Do you want them growing up believing that relationships are black and white, people are good or bad, and cutting off loved ones is simple and common? When you think about it like that, perhaps you realize that what you want for them long term is the ability to see people for who they are, good and bad. You want them to understand human foibles and frailties, and you want them to be resilient, strong, and fair. Developing those qualities is going to require some modeling, and that means you’ll have to let go of the ego-trip that comes with being the victim of a rotten spouse, instead giving your kids permission to love both parents.
How to Achieve it
To accomplish what seems like an impossible task, you have to start with believing that it’s a real gift you’re giving your children. There is nothing more loving than taking a step back from center stage and allowing your former spouse to shine in their kids’ eyes. As much as you may be inclined to complain about your ex, you need to save those comments for a trusted friend or family member. Allow your kids to have fun with your ex without feeling guilty that it may hurt your feelings. As they grow older, they’ll figure out for themselves who their parents are at their core, and hopefully that will be their own discovery. Meanwhile, continue being the awesome parent they love without feeling that you’re in some sort of competition with your ex.
Advocating for You
The experienced Boca Raton divorce attorneys at WiseLieberman always work to achieve the best possible outcomes for you. To discuss your goals, schedule a confidential consultation in our Boca Raton office today.
