How to Respond When Kids Blame You for the Divorce

Divorce can be excruciating in many ways, and one of the worst feelings can be knowing that your children hold you accountable for the destruction of the family. What can you do if your kids think of you as the “bad guy” who basically shattered the life they’d always known?

Kids are Complicated—and so is Divorce 

Any parent who feels ostracized following a divorce because they are being blamed for the carnage may also experience tremendous guilt and pain. Regardless of the reasons for the divorce, parents continue to cherish their children, and being viewed with a negative,  judgmental lens is tough. But, as the adult here, there are some things you need to keep in mind:

1. To start, kids are just kids and simply don’t have the life experience or perspective to appreciate the complexities of marriage, divorce, or relationships in general. They can’t possibly grasp the idea that 101 things—miniscule and enormous—led to the split!
2. As a parent, understand that children and teens generally view the world in terms of black and white—right and wrong. The need for someone to be the bad guy and someone else to be the good guy is the way they understand an incredibly difficult ordeal.  The idea that parents—like everyone else– are a mixture of both good and bad is beyond them in their tender years.
3. In some families, children may sense that one parent is more distressed and defenseless than the other. As a result, they may feel a duty to protect one parent.
4. Unfortunately,  children are sometimes manipulated into taking sides because they are dependent on one parent for daily care.  When children know that a parent becomes unhappy or cross if love is given to both parents, they may decide to withhold affection from the other parent out of a sense of self-preservation. It’s not fair—especially if the other parent has been oversharing to get the kids on their side—but it does explain why kids land where they do.

Your Response 

When you understand where kids are coming from, it can guide you to a healthy response to the situation.

1. Listen to what they have to say.
2. Never become defensive. That will be a challenge, particularly when kids haven’t been exposed to all the facts. But it’s your job to hear their pain and support them through a really upsetting time, not to persuade them that their perceptions are incorrect.
3. Do not blame your ex. and put the kids in the middle of two conflicting storylines. It won’t reassure them, and will not help anyone in the long run.
4. Concede that their feelings are legitimate and let them know that you see their suffering and wish things weren’t so hard.
5. Instead of focusing on your own feelings of abandonment, center on the fact that you love them and will always be accessible to help them.
6. Offer assurance that things will improve over time and they will not have to deal with their feelings alone.

Getting it Right 

The complexity of divorce can have long-term impacts on children.  Getting it right is crucial for their healthy emotional development.  At WiseLieberman our dedicated Boca Raton divorce attorneys keep the wellbeing of kids front-of-mind at all times. To discuss your situation, schedule a confidential consultation in our Boca Raton office today.

Source:

psychologytoday.com/us/blog/better-divorce/202211/my-kids-blame-me-the-divorce-what-can-i-do