The Four Horsemen of Divorce
Since about forty percent of marriages in America end in divorce, many are looking for the “magic bullet” that leads to a successful marriage. Two such researchers, Dr. Julie Gottman and her husband Dr. John Gottman, together founded the Gottman Institute to explore the issue. Their combined experience as psychologist/marriage researcher/therapist/led them to formulate a study involving 40,000 couples. The results of their work sheds some light onto what leads to the collapse of some marriages, while others flourish. In fact, they can now accurately predict the chance of a couple’s divorce with roughly 94 percent accuracy.
The Secret to Success
While there are numerous factors that impact the success of a marriage, the Gottmans have concluded that a single issue can spell success or disaster in marriage: whether or not couples turn toward one another. But what does that mean?
Bids for Attention
Any spouse works to get the attention of their partner in myriad ways. That could be calling out their partner by name, offering to join forces in an activity or task, or asking for help solving a problem. These bids for attention may be indirect or overt. The ways couples reach out to one another, and the ways spouses respond to that outreach, can have an immense impact on the health of a relationship.
The Four Horsemen
After intense study, the Gottman Institute named four styles of communication—the four horsemen—as destructive to relationships and near certain predictors of divorce. These communication styles can be ubiquitous and can extinguish the desire to interact and be present for one another:
- Criticism: A common communication style, criticizers tend to assault their partner’s character. The attacks may be related to a specific issue, but their spouse’s personality is ultimately the problem. Why isn’t the house clean? Because you’re a slob. The complaint is followed by condemnation– overt or an unspoken– of the delinquent spouse, who is left to feel spurned, humiliated, and hurt.
- Contempt: Partners who feel contempt for one another express it with eye-rolling, groans, sighs, or outright loathing. The warmth and admiration that once defined the relationship crumbles rather quickly, obliterating the relationship altogether.
- Defensiveness: Partners who feel that they are under attack become defensive, making them incapable of looking at the problem honestly and taking responsibility for issues. As a victim, they survive by rebuffing accountability, and difficulties simmer until they are untenable.
- Stonewalling: It’s difficult to communicate with someone who simply shuts down. Partners who find other places to devote their attention, who are always tuned out, or who simply “yes, dear,” their way through a discussion lose their connection.
Have You Had Enough?
If you’ve finally figured out that your partner’s communication style spells disaster for your relationship and there’s no chance of improvement, divorce may be your next step. The dedicated Boca Raton divorce attorneys at WiseLieberman can help. Schedule a confidential consultation in our office today.
Source:
fortune.com/well/article/predict-divorce-communication-style-gottman-institute/
